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Something about a life of a person with chronic delusional disorder.

Silly? Lazy? Sponger?

Was ruminating what I could have done or who I could have been if not my illness. The worst thing is that I can't organize myself and things when dealing with people. Managing interactions at work was impossible. Though I wouldn't mind better memory too. Without memory lapses and forgetfulness. But it doesn't depend on me. I try to develop memory as much as I can.

Seems constant exchange of information is the essence of life. But I'm bad at it. The thing is that exchange of info and communication is not the essence of life to me... I like solitude, ruminations and solitary activities.

Normal "friends" just can't stop bragging about their lives and pointing out how successful I could be if I wasn't "lazy" and that I "have no excuse". And I waste my time arguing with them. The fact is I don't need any excuses. I'm mentally disabled and I'm not lazy at all, trying hard to do what I can. Abulia doesn't differ from usual fatigue. It's even worse. Kind of an empty feeling, when you're not tired, still can't do anything.

But such people are very annoying. For them the conflict between wanting to do things and not being able to do - means you're bad and lazy. That's the reason why such people can't really be friends: instead of understanding you, they try to make you fulfill their requirements.

I have difficulty with telling people I'm disabled - it's no good. Telling them I'm mentally disabled - worse. They don't believe I'm sick, as I look normal. And if I look normal, they naturally think it means I'm pretending and I'm lazy. Though they don't see me in psychosis and I'm tired of people blaming and shaming me for being sick and not able to do things. And it's after five hospitalizations and disability! I'm not irritable, but when people keep telling me it's better for me to die than not to gain success... I get angry.

I seem to get more complaints than understanding from some people. They think I don't carry out my functions. That's most important for them. I started to suspect that for some people my mental illness is just another reason not to like me and to reproach me. As if it's a flaw and my fault. People would just use my mental illness to humiliate me. And if I can't understand them, they'd think me silly. And really - how would I prove I'm clever, if I have bad memory? When I'm reading books I'm like a dog that understands but can say nothing.

Some "friends" told me that they're good as they work, and I'm no good, as I don't work. And I don't know how to mend it. Feeling like a criminal. Should I only think of distant future that might never come, when I'll be able to carry out my functions in the society and will be respected again? Do mentally disabled people have no right to be respected just the way they are? Some call me "a sponger", as if I never did anything useful in my life. Though I'm glad I'm not the kind of a "consumer" that works twelve hours on a tedious unloved job and then watches TV all evening. I'd prefer to be "useless".

Frozen in Fear
Psychosis: how it works

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