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Chess-loving atheist. Mental health writer and poet. I like The Beatles, gothic rock and metal. Living with chronic delusional disorder. ...

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Something about a life of a person with chronic delusional disorder.

Psychosis: how it works



As I asked other people who have schizophrenia, the symptoms vary much, but if I describe how it happen in my case, it won't do any worse. First I start to doubt the reality of this world. Strange mystical ideas come into my head quickly and stay there. Logic disappears. I start to be afraid of lots of people and things. The world becomes a very scary place inhabited by unknown evil forces. Then I usually imagine that god lives in me or talks through me. Later I start to talk to unknown creatures that I imagine who tell me something through my own thoughts. Or I imagine neighbours planning to do me harm. I think that all people in the world are reading my thoughts and talking to me. I see mystical symbolic "signs" everywhere. Every little thing becomes significant, as I become the centre of the world. I lose weight, have tachycardia and high blood pressure, stop to sleep and get into suicidal ideas. It usually ends up in the hospital, as I'm too scared to stay home in this state.  That's how it always gets along if I give up meds or take them not regularly. No psychotherapy changes it. And I'm not going to think myself weak or not clever enough, just because psychotherapy doesn't work for me. Meds work for me. I want to be sane and not to think about how to be "strong". I want to live without mystical ideas and have a clear brain. May I not be too clever because of illness, at least I'll keep my life straight.

Silly? Lazy? Sponger?
"Schizophrenia is not an illness"

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