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P.T.S.D is like facing the evil eyes of the past and being frozen in place, all over again. 

I have experienced a lot of trauma in my short years of being alive: parental, sexual, physical and emotional abuse, drug addictions, depression and suicidality.  There is one more thing that has shaped me in the wrong way: violation. 

The other day while I was putting clothes away in my bedroom, I thought I heard a noise out of my window and I froze. I was like a deer in the headlights, caught in my tracks of yesteryears fear. I escaped my bedroom quickly and went into the windowless bathroom and focused on my breathing. Just like that, I was thrown into a pit of dark memories I wish I forgot. 

I ended up putting all the blinds down and made my house impenetrable to onlookers. I put all of my chaotic emotions into a poem to express how I felt and what happened (brandnewbipolar.com/poetry/violated). I hadn't thought about those fear stricken moments for years. It caught me entirely off guard. 


I was able to use breathing exercises and self care tools to get through the flashback but it is on my mind constantly. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the next few days due to another traumatic event that occurred a few years ago today.  I'm alone in the house with the animals until I pick C up from work; I hope the animals are enough to keep me sane.


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Mental Health Stats

  • Approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S.—43.8 million, or 18.5%—experiences mental illness in a given year.
  • 1.1% of adults in the U.S. live with schizophrenia.
  • 2.6% of adults in the U.S. live with bipolar disorder.
  • 6.9% of adults in the U.S.—16 million—had at least one major depressive episode in the past year.
  • 18.1% of adults in the U.S. experienced an anxiety disorder such as posttraumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and specific phobias.
  • Among the 20.2 million adults in the U.S. who experienced a substance use disorder, 50.5%—10.2 million adults—had a co-occurring mental illness.
  • More than 90% of children who die by suicide have a mental health condition.
  • Each day an estimated 18-22 veterans die by suicide.
  • Only 41% of adults in the U.S. with a mental health condition received mental health services in the past year.
  • Just over half (50.6%) of children aged 8-15 received mental health services in the previous year.

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