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Frozen in Fear

P.T.S.D is like facing the evil eyes of the past and being frozen in place, all over again. 

I have experienced a lot of trauma in my short years of being alive: parental, sexual, physical and emotional abuse, drug addictions, depression and suicidality.  There is one more thing that has shaped me in the wrong way: violation. 

The other day while I was putting clothes away in my bedroom, I thought I heard a noise out of my window and I froze. I was like a deer in the headlights, caught in my tracks of yesteryears fear. I escaped my bedroom quickly and went into the windowless bathroom and focused on my breathing. Just like that, I was thrown into a pit of dark memories I wish I forgot. 

I ended up putting all the blinds down and made my house impenetrable to onlookers. I put all of my chaotic emotions into a poem to express how I felt and what happened (brandnewbipolar.com/poetry/violated). I hadn't thought about those fear stricken moments for years. It caught me entirely off guard. 


I was able to use breathing exercises and self care tools to get through the flashback but it is on my mind constantly. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the next few days due to another traumatic event that occurred a few years ago today.  I'm alone in the house with the animals until I pick C up from work; I hope the animals are enough to keep me sane.

Stigma is never right
Silly? Lazy? Sponger?

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Thursday, 18 January 2018
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